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Jeebus fupping
motherhumping kriste, this season New Cork Cosmos have failed and with it my
technological allies – this week’s podcast seems to be refusing to transfer of
my phone, and my computer crashed twice so this is awful – apologies for those
who have been waiting F5ing your screen (more of which later).
REVIEW OF NEW CORK
COSMOS IN GAMEWEEK 34
As I said it on
the podcast that you might never hear, in GM34 I managed to at least get one
point more than the gameweek number, yes Sherlock I got 35 points
WHAT’S THE
POINTS?
Points scored
last week - 35 Points
Average points
scored in that week - 55 points
Points off the
top - 381 points, no change
Points off 42nd
position - 74 points
Position in
BOTNB League - 64th
WHAT WENT RIGHT
Oh nothing, going
by my rule that 5 points is a good return, so the team on average only got a
shade over 3 points, and only 3 players only got over that 5 point mark. Any
people out there who like to do quick calculation that mean a lot of the
players only got 2 points or less.
WHAT WENT NOT
RIGHT
Not only was
that a bad return, my fecking bench got 24 points which was an average of 6
points, which yes mean they all did, my definition, of good.
CLUTCHING AT
STRAWS
I can’t do much
worse… right?…RIGHT?
LAST WEEK’S TEAM
TRANSFERS
I’ve got two transfers
to play, we discussed at length on the Phantom Podcast and Darragh berated me
for this idea and I agreed to not do it BUT I’M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY, fupp you
authority. I’m going with the hunch that Everton are running out of steam, so
Miralles is gone now and alongside him trading in their (frankly relaly well
designed) NCC tracksuits is another striker, Berbatov, from another listlist
club Fulham.
In comes Tevez
(doublegame week in 36 planning) and….. Rodriguez from
Southampton, I know I might be missing the boat with this port town based
striker.
KEEPING AN EYE
ON
My eyes are off
the ball, (pun intended after the fact), probably Defoe and possibly also
Lennon – taking a 4 point hit on a double gameweek player is usually worth it.
THIS WEEK’S
SELECTION
I've on injured defender (shaw), and I'll drop Rafael who might not even play (Smalling on comeback), and I'm putting Santi on the bench as 13th man but I wonder if I will swap him for Ben Arfa later.
MY CAPTAIN, MY
CAPTAIN
Fellani for now, but possibly will switch to Tevez in a few hours.
CAPTAIN’S CORNER
with @darraghFPL
Eh, not sure if we can chalk last week’s choices up as a
success, can we? With van Persie accounting for a ‘zeer groot’ 63% of my
Captain’s choices score, it appears the radical Andy Carroll experiment has
failed. Elsewhere, fantasy behemoths such as Juan Mata and Gareth Bale showed
how much we missed them the past few weeks and nostalgia even got a run out as
Kevin Nolan and Clint Dempsey hit double figures for the first time since the
1992/93 season. Oh, and hope all you degenerate gamblers threw a tenner on a
Swansea – Southampton nil-all. Feel free to lump more on another game I predict
to be ‘overflowing’ with goals this week.
But having said that, Wigan v Tottenham *has* to be oozing
fantasy points returns right? Gareth Bale is clearly the front runner in this
fixture. I mean, all he’s done is bang out 82 points in his last 7 away trips
(11.7 points per game). His ICT threat rating of 14.1 was top for any
midfielder last week besides…..eh…..Robert Snodgrass (I knew he was a solid
choice) with 14.1 compared to the Scotsman’s 18.6. We know he likes the odd
shot here and there as well, but it is positively flabbergasting how often he
shoots. His 136 attempts on goal this season is 33 clear of his closest rival,
Santi Cazorla. That may not seem like a huge amount initially, but then it
becomes apparent that Cazorla has played 494 minutes of football more than the
PFA Player of the Year elect (They’ll hardly give to Hannibal at this stage). What
is interesting though is that a substantial amount of these shots are on
target, 44.9% to be precise. That’s the highest out any midfielder with more
than 50 efforts. Wigan have also managed to concede the 3rd highest
total of goals with 60, 5 behind Reading and 3 behind Aston Villa despite the
Latics playing a game less. And yes, I realise this is the second week in a row
my first choice is facing Wigan. You may suspect I don’t fancy them to do a
‘Houdini’ this year.
As this season whittles away into a sea of nothingness due
to United romping away with the league and the blue and white hoopers firmly
sealed in the basement, I’m becoming increasingly concerned by the potential
random rotation of those with nothing left to play for. With this in mind,
Tottenham, Chelsea and Arsenal all provide a route away from this. Benitez may
be less inclined to rotate with a top four finish in touching distance and
Basle will put 3 or 4 past them tonight (providing Ronan posts this on the
Thursday, ahem) and end their run in the Coca-Cola Carling European Worthington
Cup. Juan Mata’s excellent performance last weekend has rekindled my affections
for the former Valencia man after we ‘took a break’ for a few weeks. A home tie
against the now safe West Ham may be the perfect time to play the Hammers. The
spine of West Ham’s defense has been shaky all season long, surrendering the
most goal scoring chances through the centre of the pitch all season (170),
crikey. Mata should enjoy a large amount of freedom tucked in behind Torres or
Ba and look to add his league topping 12 assists this term. He has also created
a goal scoring opportunity every 29.7 minutes, a feat only topped by another
small Spanish playmaker (25.2 mins) that can’t get in the national team. To put
this into perspective, Gerrard, Cazorla, Bale and Hazard create a chance every
35.8, 37.7, 39.4 and 44.7 minutes respectively. It just becomes imperative at
this stage to focus on players who have a hunger to win games.
Speaking of hunger (wahey, we all knew it was coming!),
Suarez’s little nibble off Ivanovic has opened the door for numerous options up
front as a result of his 10 match ban. This despite the fact biting someone’s
arm is clearly a sign of endearment in Uruguay. While many are looking to
gameweek 36 doubles such as Defore and Kone, I’m eeking towards Manchester City.
They may have little to play for, but Tevez and Aguero are the types of players
who would take a game of subbuteo to a new level of flicking-based
competitiveness. Tevez is definitely the safer option but I can’t help but lean
more towards the more talented Aguero. Numbers won’t back me up here and the
last time I went with my gut I ended up cracking the face of my Fernando Torres
voodoo doll. Granted, he’s been poor this year. 10 goals and 3 assists compared
to his 23 goals and 9 assists last season really are a microcosm of how poor
City have been. Sunday may prove an anomaly in their season’s climax however as
I expect the two Argentines to spearhead the attack as the sub-par of late
Dzeko angles for a move away from Eastlands.
Finally RvP has to score against Arsenal at the Emirates. He just has to. And then he’ll do the whole ‘I’m not going to celebrate’ thing and life will go on. And I’ve just noticed that of my four selections thus far, Juan Mata is the cheapest at £9.8 million. Let it never be said I go with the crowd. For a cheapy to finish with, I’m going for Reading’s Pavel Pogbrfsd…..Pavel Pogrennzyc……..Pavel Pogrebnyak. I genuinely had to check that spelling 6 times as I typed. Reading v QPR is a humdinger of a fixture. Thank the TV gods that it’s LIVE and EXCLUSIVE on Sky this Sunday and to be honest, I just need something to root for. Professionalism is overrated anyways…..
Finally RvP has to score against Arsenal at the Emirates. He just has to. And then he’ll do the whole ‘I’m not going to celebrate’ thing and life will go on. And I’ve just noticed that of my four selections thus far, Juan Mata is the cheapest at £9.8 million. Let it never be said I go with the crowd. For a cheapy to finish with, I’m going for Reading’s Pavel Pogbrfsd…..Pavel Pogrennzyc……..Pavel Pogrebnyak. I genuinely had to check that spelling 6 times as I typed. Reading v QPR is a humdinger of a fixture. Thank the TV gods that it’s LIVE and EXCLUSIVE on Sky this Sunday and to be honest, I just need something to root for. Professionalism is overrated anyways…..
***
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The Net Boy league - 359767-141904
Join us at
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Download our
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